Bathroom Etiquette

I've always thought there were some unspoken rules when entering the men's bathroom, but my experiences lately have made me think that mr. overly competitive once again needs to bring some things to light (Ladies, I will need a run-down of your unspoken rules since my experience only extends so far and, let's be honest, we gentlemen assume that it's all perfume and glitter in there.  SPARKLE!)

Here's a few rules for Los Caballeros that you may or may not know:

 . . . . @ the Urinal

1.  Eyes front . . . .ALWAYS! - this is especially true when you work with a concentration of Canadians (guys whosa likesas the guys).    

2a.  No talking.  - Period.  During the washing of the hands (and Lord help you if you skip this crucial step) talking is fine.  

2b.  Like your pee, Silence is golden - please don't let out the sigh of relief as you get comfortable.  It can be misconstrued and I don't want to be the next one walking out the door.

3.  Pick the furthest urinal away from me - I don't care if there's 4 or 20 urinals.  If I'm on the end station, I chose this one with intent.  The intent - to avoid a pee buddy standing next to me.  

4.  Don't walk away before you pack back up - First, nobody wants to be waiting and get a eye-full of Peter.  Second, I'd prefer not to know that you are wearing a banana hammock or that you like them white and tight with a brown streak down the middle.  

5.  No. 2 is reserved for the stalls - you may think this is fairly obvious, but one time at band camp (or in the 8th grade) I caught a 6th grader taking a dump in the urinal.  Fair to say I only caught a glimpse of the kids face, but when I went back to class and was explaining the disgusting hilarity of this situation as any self-respecting 8th grader would do, my teacher heard me and told me to find out the kids name.  Nice, now I'm the Sherlock Holmes of the shitter.  The Dora the Explorer of defecation.  In any case, my buddy, Aaron, and I proceeded to hunt the kid down at break and used the "My sister likes you, what's your name?"-line to get his credentials.  Mystery solved.  Cue Bette Midler - "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

. . . . . in the Stall

1.  See 2a and 2b.  Sometimes there's a little extra push needed and nobody wants to hear, "So I was thi-ugggggh-nking the other day that we should hit up the g-uggggh-ame this weekend over at Bob's".   Drop the Cosby kids off at the pool in silence.  

2.  See 3 and change "urinal" to "stall" and "pee buddy" to "poop pal".

3.  No Cell Phones! - First, nothing's weirder than someone talking to themselves in a stall.  Second, that person on the other end has no idea that you're shitting while shooting the shit and hopefully, if they did, they'd kick you in the baby-maker.  Third, it's not a cubicle with a toilet.  Fourth, YOU DIRTY BASTARD!  

4.  Try to practice your Dropping of the Deuce when nobody else is around - if you walk in and nobody's in there, try to proceed to the checkout as quick as possible.  If your mid poo and someone walks in, try to hold off on any noise makers until the person has left - trust me, they're hurrying too to avoid hearing you.  Finally, wait until the joint clears out before exiting the vehicle especially if you were audible.  It's just awkward.  When in doubt, wait it out.  

To wrap things up, treat your local restroom (specifically your office restroom) as the drive through - You're in, you're out, done and done.  No lally-gagging for Pete's sake.  And for the love of Blanche Devereaux, wash your hands!

This has been your friendly PSA from mr. overly competitive.

I win,

mr. overly competitive